Change is hard. Even when we consciously decide we want something different in our lives, our brains and bodies naturally resist change. We gravitate toward the familiar, even if the familiar isn't great. Choosing the discomfort of change over our familiar Bad Feeling Place requires brutal honesty, compassionate curiosity, unflinching awareness, and some level of commitment.
I've spent thousands of dollars on courses thinking they would change my money situation, but nothing shifted because I wasn't able to do the internal work required with my nervous system because I didn’t flipping know about it. I did the external homework but avoided the underlying discomfort of deep and lasting change so even though I was in motion, it didn’t take.
Change requires temporarily embracing unfamiliar discomfort over the everyday-we-love-it-because-it’s-familiar comfort.
When our money thermostat is set to struggle, suddenly having more money can trigger the urge to spend compulsively. Our system hurries to return to the familiar low-money state. Noticing this tendency with compassionate curiosity allows us to consciously choose a new response.
Likewise, when we emotionally eat to avoid discomfort or shop for a microwave at 2 am when we haven’t had one at all for over 2 years, we’ve gotta get honest about it. Without judgment, acknowledge the impulse and purposefully choose a different action, even while the urge is present. Sitting with the uncomfortable feeling without acting on autopilot takes practice and it fucking sucks AND it works.
In my life, I’ve willingly endured intense physical discomfort for things I wanted, like hiking mountains 40 pounds overweight to see the views. Postponing immediate gratification for a bigger goal requires embracing temporary discomfort and even times of intense pain. The rewards of persisting through the suck make it worthwhile and as far as I know, when you’re reaching for a big change means there’s going to be intense resistance to it - otherwise, you’d already have it!
I know that you’ve done hard things before. So consider an area where you’ve succeeded in the past. Getting through morning sickness for the joy of a new baby. Training for a marathon - ok lol - that’s so far out of the realm of possibility I have to laugh but hey - you do you! Saving to take a dream trip - I do without a lot just to go to Paris. You’ve already shown you can handle discomfort for something important. Apply that same mentality to your current growth and change process - reminding yourself that this is a no-brainer helps a TON.
Our tendency is to harshly beat ourselves up for falling back on old patterns, but we can choose to recognize it compassionately as part of the journey. Make the conscious choice to do the next right thing, even if it's uncomfortable.
Setbacks and resistance are inevitable. Persisting through the discomfort will get you where you want to go.
Your Familiar Bad Feeling Place might seem more tolerable than the unfamiliar discomfort of real change because the Devil you know, ya know? But remaining stuck guarantees nothing improves - nothing. Lean into the change process courageously. With commitment and self-honesty, the discomfort is temporary. Look, it sucks either way, at least make sure the sucky part is getting you somewhere!
The temptation to avoid discomfort and choose what's familiar can sabotage our growth. It takes courage and self-awareness to recognize when we're slipping into old patterns. Beating yourself up over it simply compounds the problem. Instead, acknowledge it with curiosity and compassion.
Ask yourself, "What am I really feeling here and why?" Without judgment, identify the emotions arising and the urges they trigger. Become conscious of your own process. This builds your mental muscle and strengthens your nervous system to be able to sit with discomfort and make deliberate choices that lead to permanent results.
Growth is often two steps forward, one step back, one fall on your ass, get back up and try again, one step-ball-change, etc. When you find yourself falling back into old habits, treat yourself gently. Remind yourself it's part of the process. Refocus on the vision of who you want to become. Then recommit to the next step, however small, to get back on track.
Discomfort indicates you're stretching beyond your comfort zone - discomfort is the sign YES it’s working! It's the feeling of leveling up. Reframe it in your mind as positive proof you're expanding. Discomfort arises when we need to develop new neural pathways. You're forging new trails in your brain - did you think that would be easy? I did and then I was DEEPLY disappointed lol.
If you embrace this reframing, you can almost - almost - become excited when discomfort emerges. It means you're scooting right past a growth edge. Lean into it with courage and self-compassion and GRIT. Each time you persist, it gets a little easier until the unfamiliar becomes your new familiar.
Stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel although don’t go into the light because that’s bad. The temporary discomfort of change leads to the permanent improvement you desire. From that future vantage point, you’ll likely look back on this difficult stage with pride, knowing it transformed you into who you were meant to be.
So, what to do exactly?
- Pause and take a few deep breaths. Bring awareness to what you're feeling in your body.
- Give yourself compassion rather than criticism. "It's okay. This is part of the process. I feel like shit right now and that’s actually a good thing."
- Ask yourself, "What do I really need in this moment?" Get curious about the emotion(s) driving the old habit. Sometimes just naming the suck factor releases the tension.
- Drink a glass of water, make a cup of tea mindfully, or take a short walk to shift your physiological state although skip that if you live anywhere that’s disgustingly hot right now.
- Visualize your future self living how you want. Reconnect to your motivation. Create an alter ego.
- Text an accountability partner or post in an online community to recommit. This alone can dissolve resistance.
- Start a timer for 5 minutes. Just sit with the urge without acting on it. Jill Bolte Taylor says an emotion only lasts 90 seconds so let’s see!
- Remove temptation if possible. Put away the food, turn off electronics, and walk away. And FFS, take your cell phone OUT of your bedroom!
- Say aloud "I'm choosing change" or try an “I wonder question” - if you know the 1 Command use one here!
- Make a list of benefits to changing this habit when the urge strikes.
- Do one small productive task like loading the dishwasher or folding laundry.
- Journal about what you're feeling and thinking. Future Journal about how stinking proud you are of yourself now that you’ve got________________.
- Listen to uplifting music or call someone who supports your growth. Shake a tailfeather to some banging music!
- Review your list of reasons you want to change. Remind yourself it's worth it because it is.
The key is being gentle with yourself while still choosing change. One moment or day doesn't undo all your progress but you can’t use that as an excuse either so - brutal honesty helps here. Refocus and take the next small step.
Choosing to do anything above tells your brain you aren’t putting up with any of its shenanigans!
XO,
LMW
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