This morning, I woke up really sick and in tears. This afternoon I was in tears again now on the floor with a lower back spasm in the exact same place as when I was 19 years old and hurt my back lifting a patient. That injury ended my Emergency Medical Technician career.
Today, Shelby [toddler granddaughter] thought it was hilarious that I was lying on the floor. She sat on my chest and said, “Owwww,” and made faces at me. Which made me laugh. I eventually made it home and have been flat on my back ever since.
I'm writing this to y'all on my phone, hoping not to drop it on my face. Which I have done in the past more often than I care to admit.
For a while, I suspected I needed to cancel a trip to Paris I had set for March. I feel like I need to be here, near the magical Chattahoochee River, as much as I'd really rather be eating a baguette by the River Seine.
So, some would say that because I didn't listen to my Guides/Intuition/JesusAllahBuddha about canceling the trip, I am being forced to cancel it.
This view is incredibly disempowering and leads to feeling victimized by the very energies that represent everything good to me.
It goes along with the vengeful concept of God as parent and punisher. You better listen, or else!
As if there is some force outside of me steering my life based on invisible rules and running a story I have no knowledge of or control over.
I do NOT ascribe to this idea at all.
The facts are that I have spent nearly two months managing locked-up muscles and disrupted sleep. My body has been simmering in the ancient fears that come from a threatened foundation.
My mind has been having a field day of fearful fantasies with this situation. It spins toxic yarns during the day and stalks my dreams with vignettes of helplessness.
I am driving in the car; the road dips down, and a sudden river floods us. In that dream, I can’t get out. I try calling 911, but my fingers hit the wrong buttons. I scream for help, but no sound comes out. The passive passenger does nothing.
I am sleeping, but then my room is swarmed with Palmetto bugs. They are the most repulsive bugs of all time, and in the South, they’re everywhere. They echo my grandfather’s house, my poverty past.
I am on the porch of a cabin. A Kodiak bear climbs the steps and moves toward me growling. I bang on the glass windows and see my mother watching me, refusing to open the door. I’m left on my own, and I battle the bear with an Adirondack deck chair.
I know exactly what all these mean. And if you’re ever confused by a dream, first examine all the characters as aspects of yourself and let that lead you to more specifics. Please contemplate your dreams yourself; don’t go running to the internet first looking for other people's definitions of the symbols - you can do that later.
But none of this is outside of me. There is no vengeful God. All That Is is pure Love.
There are no invisible stories. They're right here in my own head. I’m conscious of dealing with present-day echoes of past patterns of events. Past, present, and future timelines converge to a singular point of choice.
Hecate holds my hand as I stand at the Crossroads.
Do I let my attention stay focused on the immediate pain right in front of me, or do I take a step back and ask what’s trying to be communicated here? What choice needs to be made to continue the upward spiral of my life? What needs to die so I can live fully?
If you're into Human Design, the Gate 44 is my main Incarnation Cross, so fears of the past repeating itself are loud af right now.
But listen - we can be tossed around by storms AND remain at the core of our Hearts, in perfect peace.
Others will perceive the pain of our shape-shifting and attribute it to all kinds of things, take it personally, or even worse, try to "fix" us.
A part of you is showing up weepy and short-tempered from holding despair at bay and kicking the dogs of war off your doorstep. All the while, the larger part of you silently holds space for the twisting contortions of change.
Don't worry - the ones who love you may feel confused, but they'll still be there when you complete the death-rebirth cycle. Apologize and make amends as you are able, even if you can't explain.
So what's really happening?
As we build capacity for wealth and make powerful, energetic changes and upgrades, as I've been doing, old injuries and illnesses can reappear.
The physical body that has been holding those past events recreates them and releases them in a transformative upheaval. This messy, magnificent life, as Geneen Roth calls it.
The new energetic resonance "shakes" out all that can no longer keep up all that is stuck or stagnant. We get a chance to find resolution for what has been held unresolved.
It will come as no surprise that the months leading up to a repeat of the original injury are the same.
I couldn't resolve the injury at 19. I was getting married; I had a baby at 21. I didn’t have the cognitive ability to take an objective look at the events in my life that led up to that back injury.
Our minds don't understand these wordless states, so we conflate things, smooshing events together that aren't related. A baby kicks its foot just as a breeze blows the curtain, and the baby sees the cause [kicking foot] and the effect [billowing curtain]. An adult watching can have a chuckle over this because time and maturity give a different perspective.
Since Mind cannot bear uncertainty, it creates stories heavy on correlation and never even bothers to investigate causation. Part of growing up is to start investigating our thoughts, observing them, and asking questions to open doors and heighten awareness.
Energy moves as natural law, and our human Mind literally cannot grasp it, but I promise you that the energy of All That Is loves you.
It loves you so purely that concepts like judgment, punishment, sneak attacks, and tit-for-tat are utter nonsense. Listen to your intuition and be loved. Don’t listen to your intuition, and be loved.
Impartial love is the most wonderful love because it’s truly unconditional.
Yes, I canceled the trip today. I could have forced it through, but I know better. Not because if I forced it through, God would smack me down but because if I forced it through, the tangled-up knots in my energy would remain untended, which would lead to more pain.
Natural consequences, honey bunnies, not Divine Ass Kicking.
Do you see how misattribution can be incredibly harmful?
Where is your life calling you to examine discomfort?
Have you given yourself time and space to energetically listen to your own aura and body? What is pulsing through your field? What is your heartbeat telling you?
What recent energetic decisions to grow into more wealth are shaking things loose?
Are old injuries or illnesses flaring up? Talk to them. Find the similarities and look at them from your now wiser perspective. Find forgiveness for yourself.
Let the body guide you to bliss.
XO,
LMW