“Where the hell is it?!”
I scrambled through my luggage, my carry-on, my memory.
And then my stomach sank…I could see in my Mind’s too little, too late eye, my beautiful Kindle stuffed in the pocket of the seat in front of me on Delta Flight #whatevs from Montréal to Atlanta.
I couldn’t believe it! I’m obsessive about checking that damn pocket before leaving my seat. In 40 years of travel, I have never, ever left so much as a gum wrapper on an airplane.
But on this flight, my legs hurt the whole time, we were crammed in, and the last hour was 60 minutes of pain-permeated pre-panic. I used all my skills to stay put and wait. I got off that plane faster than a jackrabbit on a date, completely forgetting to check the pocket.
The very first thing I did was complain about it on Facebook, as one does. Then I filed the dumb never-gonna-get-your-shit-back form on the Delta website.
Next up, obsessing over buying another one.
The Left Behind Kindle was only six months old. I love to read, so I bought the fancy af Kindle Oasis, nicest case, blah, blah, woof. In my mind, I had paid one million dollars for the lost Kindle at least. In reality, with a trade-in, it was around $200. so still, not a loss I wanted to experience.
I went round and round in my head about buying another one. I had the money. I could buy another one and not have to skimp on Starbucks or stop using Instacart, which is a huge waste of money, but OMG, I hate grocery shopping so much.
This was in early April, and I obsessed over it for 3 or 4 days and finally bought a new one. When I got quiet and meditated, I thought/felt it would likely be found, but who knew when or what condition it might be in?
The puzzling thing to me, though, was even after I ordered another one, I was still obsessed and angsty and strangely upset over it. Mad at myself, a weird sense of dread swimming in my stomach like a shark just waiting to go all JAWS on someone and replaying over and over how could I have not checked the pocket?
I couldn’t resolve it, so I shoved it out of my mind.
And then they found it right about the time I bought another one. They didn’t email like they said would happen if found. They called…and left a VOICE MAIL! Who does that?!
I never check voice mail. For some reason, four weeks later, I did and heard the message it had been found. Immediately all those intense emotions flooded back through me, and here went the anxiety rockets firing into my brain.
This was now the first week of May. I called the number and left a message. No response. I called again a few days later. And again and again and again, leaving messages with no response. Right back into the emotions mentioned above that no amount of logic will settle.
I already had a shiny new Kindle.
I could just let that one go to the Lost & Found airline graveyard and eventually be sold at auction or whatever happens to unclaimed property.
But I kept on calling and thinking and being frustrated and upset.
I was deep in a poverty-based conditioned response, and it would take another two weeks to realize it.
Finally, I reached someone! It was there; they had it, it was a Christmas miracle! I was given muddy directions to go pick it up…at the flipping airport baggage claim of the Hartsfield-Jackson International busiest airport in the whole Southeast airport.
I didn’t care; I was going to get my Kindle! I couldn’t go for a few days, and it dawned on me that I should just have them ship it. So I began the calling-messaging-calling-messaging routine until this very day when again, someone answered the phone.
She said a series of things, “We don’t have it, never had it, probably at the warehouse in Alabama of all places, don’t know what you’re talking about, etc.” She didn’t hear me at all that I had spoken to a real-life woman about 10ish days earlier who described my Kindle to me and confirmed it was there.
Nope. Gone. Maybe, might, someday, show up at some mystery warehouse located in the equivalent of Area 51 Ala-frikkin-bama.
My stomach sank again. Then I realized that in the back of my mind, this whole weird situation had been knocking on the door of my consciousness, and I’d ignored it.
Why was I so upset about a six-month-old electronic object that had already been replaced? I acted like I’d lost Great-granny’s antique Rolex or the winning Mega-Millions lottery ticket.
No. I just grew up extremely poor and was conditioned to very bad things happening if I lost something.
Conditioned responses are tricky and subtle. Pavlov’s dogs salivating at the ringing of a bell is pretty clear cut. Enduring situations often enough where losing something meant going without something really needed less so.
Lose your coat - be cold until the next paycheck and then experience shame for “wasting” money from that paycheck to replace your coat.
Lose your lunch money - go hungry because you can’t tell anyone, or they’ll know you’re poor because you can’t pay back a loan of $1.25.
Lose something that was an expensive gift, and it literally can’t be replaced. You’re likely yelled at by family and left to simmer in self-recrimination for weeks.
Lose the thing you finally got that was like what all your friends have and made you feel “in”- too bad, so sad.
Lose your $20 gas money for the week (yes, $20 - it was 1985, for crying out loud), and you’re bumming rides and owing gas money to get to work.
Lost things = bad.
Losing things = stupid, careless, irresponsible, causing financial pain to the family, pain, etc.
It’s not at all about the Kindle. It’s about the past and the awful hold it can have on us when a present-day stimulus punches you right in a past-day conditioned response.
I sat with that today after complaining to my daughter for 10 minutes. Complain first, process, and dig for truth second. I grieved cleanly and let it all go in a wash of deep restorative forgiveness for myself and others.
Fifteen minutes later, an email popped up; a shipping and payment link from Delta airlines lost and found department.
I’m guessing after I hung up, they found it lying right where it had been when they told me it wasn’t there, giving me time to catch a conditioned response and have a healing moment.
I am more free of the past every time this happens, as are you every time you catch an old story and write a new one.
Bonus: I get my Kindle back, or rather my daughter gets a “new” Kindle for herself, and I am living a little bit more of a Sovereign Storyteller life with my money stories.
Strange roadblocks and out-of-character or out-of-context behavior may be a message from the part of you clearing the path to your goals.
When you catch it, ask!
What’s trying to happen here?
When did I first feel this constellation of sensations?
What am I worried will happen to me if_____________doesn’t change or isn’t resolved?
If I don’t get what I think I should get from this situation, what’s next? What else could happen here for me?
Enjoy exploring, and may you always remember to check the seat back pocket on every flight you take!
XO,
LMW