Debt as a Portal to Healing Money Wounds
Exploring debt is a potent way to improve your relationship with money.
Debt may be one of the deepest trickeries ever played on the middle and lower classes. Setting yourself free from stress over it can open your eyes to new layers of your relationship with money.
I’ve talked about debt before on Facebook and in some of my groups because, at some point, I became aware of how much pressure I put on myself to get out of debt. The more pressure I applied, the more stressed I became, and the more money mistakes I made, ensuring I couldn’t get out of debt.
What we resist persists. We make sure of it.
This evening on NPR, I heard a bit about America being the only country without guaranteed paid time off, health care, etc., resulting from Unions in the 1930s wanting to keep hold of negotiating power.
Then I read Heather Cox Richardson’s powerful essay on the history of debt - the application of moral structures by those (businesses/corporations) who want to default on their debt freely but need everyone else to feel so bad they keep paying so that the business groups can get away with that defaulting.
Then again, on NPR, I heard how billions of corporate loans are forgiven, but when Biden tried to forgive just SOME student debt, here again, came the morality storm - why should THEY not have to pay when I paid mine?! If they weren’t slackers, it would have been paid off by now: lazy, worthless, driftless. The shouting by those who, again - had their own debt erased - loudly making sure those who are struggling are forced to pay - because, let’s face it, SOMEONE has to pay when others don’t.
It’s hard not to spontaneously combust with bitterness when putting that all together - what a colossal fuck-over!
But, hey, I’m the boss of me. Just because someone else wants me to feel like a POS doesn’t mean I have to grant their wish.
When I realized what I was doing, I stopped pressuring myself immediately.
I saw that people in those upper categories don’t worry about debt. They weren’t stressed over a billion-dollar loan. They weren’t losing sleep over back taxes.
They were not feeling shame because they were not taught that debt is a moral failing.
I so wish I could go back in time and erase all the times I threw up when speaking to a creditor, crept into a pawn shop to hock my shit, all the ways I blamed myself for failing when I’d been flat-out lied to by a collections agent, how ashamed I felt about temporarily going into default on student loans - again because I was directly lied to and set up to miss deadlines, all the times my loneliness or addictions or trauma drove spending that I didn’t understand and couldn’t keep up with.
There is so much pain and tears over debt, and all of it is so unnecessary. Not once did shame increase my income. Not one tear brought me fantastic ideas. Not one moment of regret ever set me free.
All it did was reinforce the idea that poor = shame, and there was no way out for a loser like me.
My course, Train Your Body to Wealth, put me through the wringer of awakening because I work the material intensely as I’m teaching it. It all unwound when I saw the whole system's lies and hypocrisy. As I said above, when I saw it, I stopped it, and now debt is just moving numbers around.
Because I’m calm, I don’t slip into deprivation that leads to binge spending. Waiting to buy something doesn’t trigger FOMO since I’m not 12 anymore, with two sets of clothes to get through the school year, and I’ve got a lot of healing under my belt. Having extra money doesn’t all get immediately dumped into debt like I used to because that would often leave me struggling in an emergency.
I take care of my needs. I budget money for things I love that increase my feelings of wealth - fancy perfume, nice ass luggage, fabulous lipstick. And I pay down my debt.
Sure, I’d save some if I paid it off faster, but my mental health matters more than some extra interest. If I can pay extra, I certainly do - but not at the expense of my peace of mind.
After working in a multi-million dollar business for a while now, I see it even more clearly. Debt is not an evil thing that must be avoided at all costs. Having debt means being alive and sometimes needing to get things before you have the entire amount to pay for them. Debt is incurred to get shit done. Hiring a VA is far more valuable than doing everything yourself or trying to do tasks you hate.
If you can make $100 an hour or per session or with a product but can’t do as many sessions or make as many products because you’re not hiring help, how does that make any sense?
If you’re screaming at your kids because you’re exhausted but won’t hire someone to help you with the house or child care because of the expense, then good luck with your health, your job, and your other relationships because stress is a killer, and it ruins everything.
We always think we can’t afford to get help or that there aren’t any options for us to feel better, but we can, and there are. Making that gear shift in our minds might not be easy, but we can find ways to turn it around.
Stripping debt of any moral outfits it's wearing is Step One.
Here are some journal prompts:
1. What beliefs do I have about debt that may be causing me stress or shame? Where did those beliefs come from?
2. Have I ever avoided getting something I needed because of fear of debt? What impact did that have on my life?
3. Do I feel pressure to pay off debt fast in order to prove my worth? Where is that pressure coming from?
4. How would my life be different if I didn't tie my self-worth to debt?
5. When have I felt ashamed or judged for having debt? Would I be willing to rewrite that story?
6. How could I reframe debt as just "moving numbers around" instead of a moral issue?
7. Is guilt about debt the way I “pay” for what I judge as money mistakes?
8. Do I deprive myself because of debt? How could I better balance paying down debt and meeting my needs?
9. What positive ways could I redirect the energy I spend worrying about debt, since worrying isn’t going to pay it off faster?
10. How would paying down debt with more patience and self-compassion change my entire relationship with money?
11. Am I paying off debt because it makes sense at this stage of your life, or am I scrambling to pay off debt so I can finally feel like a "good" person and feel proud of myself?
12. Do I think when it's all paid off, I can finally relax?
Money in: just numbers.
Money out: just numbers.
Share in the comments if you like…
XO,
LMW