Life can get crazy busy these days, and personal growth tools go in cycles and trends, so let's review the basics of how our thoughts color our world. It's easy to get upset by even little things that happen, not to mention the absolutely gigantic things happening that can throw us off on the daily.
Many of my coaching clients come to me because of tricky situations or choices they face that stress them out and complicate making vital decisions in personal and professional areas. The most powerfully effective way I try to help is by showing them how to pause and reflect on what’s going on inside when they get upset. That way, they can respond in a more positive, thoughtful way and restore themselves to a place of sovereignty.
There are three big ideas I want y’all to remember:
1. There's a connection between events, our thoughts about them, and how we react.
2. We're responsible for all three parts of that.
3. These connections become automatic, but we can change them.
Each step builds on the one before it. That's why this process first helps us reflect on the current pattern. Then, it rewinds it to create a new, better reaction that matches who they want to be. It can be really powerful for the body to handwrite these things in a journal.
With practice, we can use this to slow the eff down whenever something sets us off on the road to our Familiar Bad Feeling Place.
Here's how it works:
Reflect on an aggravating situation:
1. What exactly happened from an outsider's view? (the objective experience)
2. What were you telling yourself about it at the time? (the subjective story)
3. What does this say about how you see yourself? (your identity, the way you describe yourself, your labels)
4. How did you react as a result? (your behavior - was it helpful? Not helpful? Did you get what you wanted?)
5. What happened in the end? (the outcome)
Now re-do the thing differently:
Look at the elements and see where you can pivot internally to change your reaction and, therefore, the outcome:
INEFFECTIVE reaction (an example only - this is not my personal experience!):
A coworker asks me to help them again. I feel annoyed. (experience)
I complain about them and feel it's justified since this happens a lot. (story that leads to a comfy, Familiar Bad Feeling Place of injustice, martyrdom, or self-pity)
I'm tired of people taking advantage of me. (identity)
I react in a passive-aggressive way. (behavior)
The outcome is bad for both of us. (outcome)
Pivot to an EFFECTIVE reaction:
Pause and refocus on what matters to you. (what kind of experience do you want to have)
I value my time and energy. I'll consider if I want to help. (new empowering story)
I take responsibility for myself and my needs. (identity (adulting))
I'll politely say no if needed. (behavior)
The outcome is better communication, and while there may be more to do in this kind of situation, you’ve at least changed the pattern. (outcome)
Another way to play it:
1. What do you want to happen? (outcome)
2. How could you react differently to make that outcome more likely? (behavior)
3. What belief about yourself would help support the preferred reaction? (identity)
4. What can you tell yourself next time? (story)
5. What would you see if you did this? (experience e.g., I’d see a person taking control of their thoughts and consciously choosing behaviors that are aligned with their values.)
Let me know if you have any other questions! This takes practice, but it really works. Here’s a link to a handout and video using the model of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) that can help with a visual walk-through. You can also check out Byron Katie’s work, which is another variation of REBT. And here’s a video that talks more about this - The Period - it’s from my Shadow Blessings course, which is hella old, but the video is still useful, lol!
XO,
LMW
p.s. Sovereign Storytellers is one of my more intense offers and goes deeply into this with Human Design related to our stories about wealth. It’s only going to be offered once in 2024 and is limited to 8 participants.