A Process for Resolving Pain Through Writing
You deserve to be free of your Familiar Bad Feeling Place
I’m sharing my journal entries with you because I don’t think we see enough of our teachers sharing examples of what transformation looks like when you’re in the down-and-dirty moments of it.
This is what it can look like when you are really looking into your stories and starting to have enough objectivity that you can identify when your mind is looking to stir up trouble.
I caught myself feeling very fearful about money lately and obsessively beating myself up over some course purchases and coaching. I mean waves of fear and visions of losing everything. I lost sleep over it, and I wanted a lot of potatoes, preferably cheese fries. That’s my craving cue that there are Shadow Shenangians going on under the surface of my consciousness.
I sat with the fear during my morning journaling and meditation time this morning. Underneath the fear, I felt the burn of acidic shame, embarrassment, and defectiveness. I do NOT love letting these sensations course through my body, but I know by now the only way out is through.
Resolving trauma permanently does not happen until you allow what’s trying to flow through and be alchemized into love - to flow through and be alchemized into love! It feels intense af, which is why we prefer our addictions over healing.
It was definitely my Familiar Bad Feeling Place calling me. I couldn't figure out why I was getting upset when I didn't have any money issues at the moment.
I sat down and asked myself why this was coming up right now. What was Mind was trying to achieve? Was this just to have a few days of feeling like hammered shit, or what was going on here?
I wrote those questions down and started naming sensations: hot, twitching muscles that want to run and shallow breathing.
The next thing I did, and you’ll need to do if you’re going to try this for yourself, is to tune into the feelings. Ugh, all the ick and yuck and grossness - dig in!
I felt a long family history of family members being contemptuous of people who had money while secretly, never out loud, wanting all that other people had and then some. Arrogance, judgment, and jealousy are in my DNA, and they were making themselves known with memory after memory from the past.
I asked myself why this was centering around some writing and Facebook ad courses I've invested in. I've bought several, but none of them were extraordinarily expensive. I'm getting what I need out of all of them, so WTF?
I asked, and I’m writing this directly from my journal:
Why is Mind deliberately seeking to fall into my Familiar Bad Feeling Place over these courses and coaching? I don’t have any fucking idea. Ok, let’s dive into this pile of shit!
Start where you are…
I am aware of: [using “I am aware of” gives you some breathing room to let it flow out fully - free write until you feel the energy shift.]
deep shame
humiliation
red-faced stupidity
so dumb
failure
loser
po’ cracker
the kid who desperately wants designer labels
the kid who gets laughed at for wearing the same clothes all the time
pathetic
disgusting
seeing facial expressions of other people looking at me with contempt
the moms who banned their kids from playing with me or from being my friends when they found out where I lived
the part of me that loves to torture Myself by dragging this shit up
the part of me that cries with compassion for that little girl trying so hard to fit in and belong somewhere, always trying to get into a group only just to discover the people in that group were no different than the people not in that group
the part of me that withholds forgiving myself
the part of me that knows this is all bunk, and everything is different now
The part of me that loves learning and would sell drugs to buy books
Is making enough to pay for all the courses I want still so unfamiliar that I can't believe it? What would it feel like to believe in my bones that I can always make so much money that I can buy as many courses as I want without fear of running out?
Ok, once you’ve dumped all that out completely uncensored, summarize the main storyline running through the tangle.
Story: I always lose all my money by doing “stupid" things [meaning any purchase unrelated to subsistence-level survival], so to keep the story intact, I make sure that when I get money, I buy “stupid” things until it's all gone. This old story doesn’t get acted on anymore, but apparently, it still exists here.
Once you’ve identified the root story as best you can, start listing alternate stories until you get to one that’s truly supportive and clear.
Don’t force yourself to go right for what you THINK is the best one. Let it flow and use your own words - don’t pretty any of this up - this is the time for radical honesty!
Trust me, when you let yourself write what’s true for you over and over, it will naturally shift to what IS the perfect new story.
You’ll know you’ve got it when your energy lifts and you feel some level of joy and pride as you should because, damn, this shit ain’t easy!
Alternate: I choose to allow myself to buy stupid stuff.
Alternate: I usually make enough to support a few stupid things.
Alternate: I choose to stop labeling things I want to read, learn, and experience as stupid.
Alternate: I have more than enough money to pay for all the things I want to read, learn, and experience.
Alternate [final]: I honor myself by making sure I have access to a wide variety of things to read, learn, and experience. This is my truest self-care. It’s not illegal; it won’t land me in jail, and poor houses don’t exist anymore, so I can easily pay for things I want to learn now.
I wrote out the final alternate on an index card and have it on my desk. I feel that this is now true in my body, and I’m sure I’ll have abiding peace on the subject of buying books and courses to learn new things just for the hell of it.
From start to finish, that took about 20 minutes. And it dissolved another layer of my Familiar Bad Feeling Place, which, BTW, continues to shrink in size. Pity Party Land used to be as big as Disneyland, but now it’s more like a rickety old traveling carnival that takes up a local football field.
Staying present with what’s present is the deepest magic.
Let’s clean this process up so you can use it.
Become aware of feelings and sensations that are uncomfortable.
Write some questions down to start the process of raising awareness and tuning in more deeply.
Write a long, uncensored list using the “I am aware of” prompt.
Look for the themes and see if you can find the core story - chances are this is not going to be new to you!
Write the story as it is - do not change the words you want to use so they sound better! Write the TRUTH.
Write alternate stories over and over until they start to shift toward loving and empowering narratives.
Depending on how long you’ve been self-aware, this may go quickly, or it may take several days of doing it every day. It’s well worth doing!
Try it out. You deserve to feel free, and let me know if you have any questions.
XO,
LMW
P.S. So why was this happening? Because Love seeks to express itself through us more and more. Distorted stories restrict the flow of energy. Creative Lifeforce, All That Is, God, or whatever will always find a way to evolve us toward health.
I had a story log in my river. I was willing to think about it, feel it, and meet it face-to-face with compassionate curiosity, and this path always leads to resolution.
This is wonderful, I really appreciate you writing out the whole thing. Very helpful!
This is fantastic - thanks for sharing your process!!